Realest Shit I Ever Wrote

 Hey divas! One tired diva here on Saturday working (what else do I do?) with a sleeping toddler after the pool and lunch at Red Robin. S did good with both; the pool was overwhelming at first (shocking for a kid who has been in FL a handful of times since birth) and after sitting in the water, she splashed and had fun though our time was short. Lunch involved tasting the chicken tenders and eating the fries. Toddlers (she’s 21-months-old) are the funniest, most mysterious people on the planet. She is now napping and dogs are quiet. I’m watching General Hospital enjoying the quiet house with dogs super chill until we get hit with storms later. 

Work has been work; this week has been exceptionally long due to working doubles Thursday and yesterday between school and S-Mom and Dad own a business and they have an event this weekend which explains the doubles. Poor Stella doesn’t know if I’m coming or going and I don’t know either. There are six weeks until school starts, which means half of my class will go to 4K and the others go next year. Sending them off after caring for them nearly six months will be hard, and I look forward to getting to see my younger ones learn and grow. 

This week has also been long due to something I did last week. A few months ago, I contacted an old friend to let them know I had a health concern. (Things are fine with concern). That contact, which was about 2.5-3 minutes voicemail, led to a conversation which led to more conversations and, eventually dinner. We had seen each other for the first time in 2.5 years and I ended up having a panic attack. Over the course of the evening, the panic attack subsided and I was back to normal, yet nothing was normal about the situation. 

“ ‘You really are my best friend. Do you know how I know? Because you’ve been there through thick and thin,’ “ they told me, their eyes sparkling and lit up with truths. 

Yes, I have been there, but you also treated me like crap. Still, I kept speaking to you, despite the warnings of my other best friend who knows you and doesn’t like you or how you treat me. If I was your best friend, you would’ve treated me better, and understood my worth. After knowing me for nearly twenty years and two years of not speaking, I would’ve thought you understood something, that friends like me come along once in a lifetime. 

Sadly, you don’t understand and you never will. It only took twenty years to realize no matter what you do and say it will never be real. 

In Cara Allwill Leyba’s book, “Like She Owns The Place”, she discusses finding your confidence. https://www.amazon.com/Like-She-Owns-Place-Confidence-ebook/dp/B078GDVGZH/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1HYI86N7LLTQ0&keywords=like+she+owns+the+place+book&qid=1658605289&sprefix=Like+she+%2Caps%2C182&sr=8-1  One particular chapter stands out where she talks about not being sorry for anything. As I read that chapter and thought about what I did in the last week, I’m not sorry I went to dinner. It needed to happen, and I’m glad it did. Going to dinner (I didn’t have much of an appetite) made me realize what was in front of me and what will always be in front of me. It will never change, no matter what is added to it to make it look better. Makeup Forever foundation? Pat Mc Grath Labs eyeshadow with Too Faced mascara, topped with Boing concealer and a sweep of Nars Orgasm blush topped by YSL lipstick couldn’t change what’s there and nothing will.

But I can change it by not participating in it. I have so much to be grateful for: two jobs, people that care about me, Stella, and three sisters (Georgie, Mags and Jen) that are my heart and soul, plus two best friends, Key and Di who have been there for me, especially Key given that we’ve been friends for twenty years. 

The entire situation depressed me to a degree and the more I put into it, the more depressed I get. For years, I kept this a secret and never felt comfortable talking about it; I finally realized how depressed it makes me when I think about it and put energy into it. 

I have other things to do, and I need to start doing them. A dear former co-worker recently made a heartfelt decision only to have her heart broken after the decision. She talked about depression, and the things she’s done to battle said depression. Looking back to last summer, I remember how great I felt about things in general, and it’s time to get back there. 

And this my friends, is the realest shit I ever wrote. 

With dog snuggles and love,

Dani